If you have a problem and need guidance from the king of smooth, drop us a line, tweet, or comment below. Remember, it's not worth doing unless Cipo would do it.
Lisa's Mum was very excited to receive the following sollicit for counsel from reader Andy: Last night my lad was watching New Inventors and got all excited when they rolled out the Cruzbike "Vendetta" (partly because it was yellow). http://www.cruzbike.com/ Then he asked, very politely, if I would mind stopping the stream of sarcastic remarks that this story provoked. Woe betide! Must I disown him? Send him to a Home for Wayward Boys? What shall I do?
Lisa's Mum has chanelled the best of Mario Cipollini and considered Andy's dilemma in terms of What Would Cipo Do? To do this, I first had to coax her out of the broom closet into which she had retreated following the discovery that the Cruzbike Vendetta was in fact a RECUMBENT bicycle.
Recumbent bicycles rank alongside bright orange flags and rear-view mirrors as things that most clearly should not be combined with cycling.* Having said that, if you are riding a recumbent, you will require both, along with a flagrant disregard for societal norms and a legally binding last will and testament. (Apart from looking ridiculous, recumbents are not very visible in traffic.)
*Lisa's Mum may consider adding this discussion as Part II in her Rules of Cycling.
Cipo was many things to many people, but above all he was a famous sprinter with a glorious mane of Italian hair. Cipo would never have ridden a recumbent, for two reasons:
- it would have been hard tacking on to the end of his lead-out train while lying down; and
- the aerodynamics of the recumbent position would have prevented him from feeling the wind through his beautiful locks.
It is also considerably harder to make a convincing victory salute whilst looking like you are about to enter a luge chute.
But back to Andy's wayward son. Or maybe it's his friend's son.
It is important to explain to your son that liking recumbents is a lifestyle choice that, whilst valid, has yet to be openly embraced in mainstream Australia. He may have to indulge in his recumbency in special underground clubs or quiet university bars until he is ready to be openly recumbent in front of friends and family. All you can do is love him for the person he is and not for the cyclist that everyone else will laugh at. Even Cipo would respect that.
Lots of love,
Mario Cipollini was an Adonis even before Adonis was an Adonis. He bought so many tickets on himself that they sold out and he had to put on an extra show. He was a great sprinter (just ask him) and won 191 races as professional between 1989 and 2005, including the world champs title in 2002. Cipo would typically prepare for big races in the discotheque and declared that, 'If I weren't a professional cyclist, I'd be a porn star.' Ever the diplomat, Cipo would refuse to ride the mountain stages of the Tour or Vuelta and instead release photos of himself lounging around in deck chairs at the beach while his compatriots turned themselves inside out in the mountains. He also got arrested in 2002 for motorpacing on an Italian autostrada (average driver speed 150kph), and in his defence claimed that the autostrada was the only place where he could safely maintain the speed his glorious legs demanded.
Cipo's flamboyance also led to some dubious skinsuit choices:
Incidentally, it is good to see that Cipo abides by Lisa's Mum's rules of cycling fashion, which dictate that if you are extremely good at riding and can beat anyone over any distance, on any terrain, then you can wear what you like.
Given Cipo's credentials, it is fitting that Lisa's Mum's new column 'What Would Cipo Do?' is devoted to the aspirational Super Marios among her readership. If you have a conundrum that requires the wisdom of Lisa's Mum and the spectacular manliness of Cipo, please direct it to her either by commenting below, or by email at firstname.lastname@example.org. We will consider them carefully in the context of what the Lion King himself would do.