New Year's Eve Tips For The Romantic Peddler

[There's not much connection between the cover pic and this week's post, but who doesn't like a good Skinsuit Sunday shot??] Ride Happy has over the years proffered advice on a number of topics, from Jersey selection for the recreational cyclist to whether to disown your son over poor bike taste and how to handle office douchebags. Sometimes this advice has been well-received. Sometimes not (hello triathletes! I love you deep down, really).

I apologise first of all for the back-log of emails asking for Lisa's Mum's advice that I have yet to get to. I always love getting them and my responsiveness does not reflect my enthusiasm for reading them. Please keep them coming. Send them again, if you could. I would love to get to them... I just need a prod sometimes.

Now that it is almost 2013, my thoughts turn to New Year's Eve and the veritable treasure trove of romance that awaits the drunk and opportunistic. Being now a single lass, I see New Year's Eve through different eyes... those eyes being slightly blurry and prone to distraction. However, having been out of the game for 9 years a while, I felt in need of a strong guiding hand in the romance department.* And so it was with a steady hand that I unlocked the cupboard under the stairs and thrust a steaming mug of Earl Grey into the hands of a dusty and neglected Lisa's Mum.

Lisa's Mum is a well-recognised authority on romance, having married 5 times and ghost-written the bestseller Fifty Millimetres of Sock Height, a racy novel enjoyed by cyclists in private around the world. Her thoughts on romance are so advanced that it is said that even Mario Cippolini himself would consult Lisa's Mum prior to any romantic encounter during Grand Tours (a practice that coincidentally coincided with the introduction of Telekom Italia's maxi-cap mobile plans). And so, with tea freshly brewed and pen poised, here are Lisa's Mum's tips for navigating the peloton of love this New Year's Eve:

• Make sure you have a pre-race strategy: There is nothing worse than being the sucker who goes on the attack too early. This is the Paris-Roubaix of romantic nights: you have one shot at it and you need to get to the Forest d'Ardennes ahead of the bunch. Remember, everyone is twitchy; just keep your head and don't be the one who brings the whole bunch down.
• Course selection: A one-day classic requires a different approach to a Grand Tour. Both have their merits. But consider: are you a sprinter or endurance romantic? If you like a one-day race, New Year's Eve is for you... but you had better be sure you have a fast finish on you. No one likes a choker.
• Keep it realistic: There is no point if you are a punter to be aiming to win the Tour de France. Keep your sights within reach.
• Get a good domestique: A domestique, or 'wingman' in layman's parlance, is worth their weight in gold. Practice a few moves together and make sure they know how to lead you out and how to deliver you to the line when you need it.
• Equipment selection: Give all your equipment a good wash. That's what the pros do, and they do this all the time. Make sure all your gear is in good working order. I've been beaten by players with lesser machinery, and it hurts.
• Stay off performance-enhancing drugs: It will cloud your judgement and you won't respect yourself in the morning.
• The best time to attack is when your opponent is distracted: Maybe they're in the toilet. Maybe they've ordered another beer. Get your domestique to do some blocking moves so that you have a clear run at the prize.
• Above all, learn to Sit In: Girls, you should NEVER hang out in the wind. Stay tucked in and don't be the one leading the charge. You'll need to conserve your strength for later when the real race starts.

Good luck... and may all your efforts end with your arms in the air.

Ride Happy.

*Those who are in the loop on Target 30/30 - the most awesome new year's resolution of all time - will agree with this. 

Goldfields, Cyclocross and all the stem you can chew

As of 3:42pm today, I am officially in the off-season. In the spirit of Jans Ullrich, the off-season will involve:

• Pinot
• Discotheque
• A fairly relaxed attitude to skin folds
• At least one affair with a model

It's been a long season. The last month has involved the final cycle-cross national round, an MTB stage race in Timor, and the last 2 national road series rounds.For the last 5 or so weeks I have resembled a small hermit crab. That is, mostly inside a shell, curled into a small ball, hoping no one will find me. You all know how Tour de Timor went. Enough said.

After coming home from Timor, I enjoyed one glorious, relaxing, slovenly weekend off the bike (during which I bought a house, hurrah!) and then it was straight into the final cyclocross national round in Sydney. I ate some dirt and tried not to drop myself, and luckily survived to win the national series. Hurrah!

At this stage I was still a bit fried from Timor. I was pretty worried I had done some permanent damage after getting heat stress in Timor. No one likes a whinger, so I limited the whinging to my Mum, who is biologically obliged to love me no matter what. Thanks, Mum. And I stopped training, because that's what heat stress does. No one offered me drugs, which is more than I can say for Lance.

After a week I emerged from my mollusc to race the Shipwreck Classic, a one-day jaunt around Warrnambool finishing at Allansford Cheeseworld, which is like Disneyworld but with fewer rides and more cheese. It had been a few months since the VIS chicks last got to race together, and I had really missed it. And fortunately the girls are very forgiving of teammates with questionable legs, so we all had a ball.

Four days after Shipwreck we started the Tour of the Goldfields, otherwise known as the Tour-To-Replace-Herald-Sun-Tour Tour. I do like Ballarat, and despite the announcement that the NRS would be extended by an extra tour having sunk my little heart a little further and my resolve to get post-Timor blood tests done a little firmer, it was super cool to be racing a tour with the team again.

Jess 'Jens Voigt' Allen, Chloe 'QOM' McConville and I were joined by Jo 'Flying Glutard' Hogan and Bridie 'TT Machine' O'Donnell who were fresh from their international seasons. (Actually, maybe 'fresh' is the wrong word. Does anyone come back from an international season 'fresh'?) Luckily, their end-of-season is still better than most people's peak form. So, for the first time ALL YEAR, the VIS chicks were A FULL TEAM! Oh world, look out.

Tour of Goldfields was 4 stages over 3 days and in a word it was ON. One of the highlights was the TTT, where we all got to wear matching onsies and enjoyed trying not to vomit while holding Bridie and Jess' wheels.

Quite unintentionally I ended up scoring the leader's jersey after the TTT. I can't really take credit for it - i just happened to be the one in the VIS wearing it - but it was a nice end to the TTT from that morning.

Going into the last stage we had a few cards we could play, but our best chance was to get Chloe 'Quads' McConville up for the GC win. It didn't work out, but it was one of the best days of racing the NRS has seen. Cross-winds, gutter action, breakaways - we did all we could to steal the jersey back from SASI but they held onto it after a battle royale that will be one of my fondest memories of the NRS this year.

So that concludes my 2012 racing season. I'm taking the next few months off racing, mostly because my body is a wreck post-Timor and I'm not in the mood to get really really sick, which is what is going to happen if I do any more racing anytime soon. It's been a heck of a year. I try not to get too self-indulgent on Ride Happy, but I am really proud to have won the Cyclocross national series and to have finished 2nd in the national road series. Neither were expected and both were fantastic. At the time you are just trying to survive till the next race, but looking back on it it's been just amazing. I am lucky to have the support of a top crew (including VIS and Apollo) who give us cyclists amazing equipment, coaching and support to let us live out this surreal existence. Most of all, I'm lucky to have Supercoach and Ryan 'Diamonds' Moody, who make sure the VIS trips are fun and professional. So thanks guys, it's been awesome.

Ride Happy.

Tour de Timor 2012: Peace begins with me

I have just returned from East Timor, where I spent a memorable week suffering racing the Tour de Timor, one of the world’s toughest MTB stage races. I am in equal parts (1) exhausted and (2) worried about this mysterious new rash that has just taken over my neck. This is not good news. As the experts say, don’t come back from a third world country with a rash.

To Twitterise the TdT in 140 characters or less:

• 6 days
• 6 stages
• 600km
• 40 degrees in the shade
• No showers
• Definitely no Facebook

I had agreed to do TdT in a weak moment in January, when September had seemed far enough away not to matter. Grover’s boundless enthusiasm for adventure and shitting in small shallow holes was infectious. Much like my new rash. Everyone I spoke to was positive:

‘Oh, you’ll love Timor!’

‘It’s such a great experience!’

‘I had so much fun!’

No one mentioned the inescapable heat, the 4:30am starts, or how, by day 3, you would probably be unable to stomach the food or warm Powerade. To be fair, Grover did mention the overflowing long-drops but by then we’d already paid our entry money.

Here is some advice for aspiring TdT-ers: Anyone who tells you that TdT is ‘BRILLIANT!’ and that they ‘LOVED it!’ is lying. They do not have your best interests at heart. They want you to go only so that you can suffer through it just like they did, so that you will appreciate how incredibly tough they were just to survive it. Next time someone tells you with shining eyes, ‘Do it! It’s AMAZING!’ you have my permission to smack them in the face. In fact, tell them it’s from me. This tour is so hard it made the AIS selection survival camp look like a stay at the Hilton.

Now that I’m home, I can appreciate how incredible the race is. 6 days of racing mountain bikes through a country that most white people don’t even see on television was culturally eye-opening. On its own, racing up to 5 and a half hours a day in 40deg+ heat on mountain bikes is a massive challenge. But that’s only half the challenge. Add to that not being able to cool down (EVER); being constantly dirty; trying not to get sick from the food, or the toilets, or the water; struggling to sleep on your crappy thermorest camping mat; struggling to eat in the heat… this is what makes the Tour de Timor EPIC.

The highlight, as anyone will tell you, was meeting the Timorese people. Every day as we passed through the villages they lined the race route, and as we rode the kids would cheer and clap and smile for us. I’ve never seen people so happy with so little. In a country that has been ravaged by war, where the average Timorese earns less than US$1 per day and where maternal mortality and child malnutrition rates are amongst the highest in the world, it was humbling and beautiful. Less humbling and beautiful were the soldiers with machine guns on stage 5, but it turned out they were only there to fend off the cannibal tribes who roamed the region and had developed a taste for tourists.

Team Apollo Bikes had assembled in Dili, each of us fresh-faced and with 7 pairs of clean knicks. Masterminded by John Groves, the only man I’ve seen cross a finish line doing the ‘Superman’, the crew was bolstered by MTB superstars Nick Morgan and Pete Kutchera who stayed at the pointy end of the race all tour. As the sole girl on the team, my job primarily was to remind the others how grotty boys were. Given the state of the men’s toilets though, they hardly needed reminding. The guys are all classy riders and together they got Pete into the yellow jersey at the best possible time. Pete would have taken out the tour had it not been for an unlucky mechanical, and in the end placed a close 2^nd.

Personally, I struggled with the heat all tour and never really felt good. I won the first mountain stage on day 3 (with super domestique Grover), but Peta Mullens well and truly deserved the GC win. My tour ended in the back of a UN ambulance on stage 5 with heat exhaustion, and to be honest without the help of the awesome Laurent (a fellow rider who saw me in trouble) it could have been much worse. Laurent rode with me for the best part of an hour, sometimes walking, sometimes sitting, and eventually walking both his bike and mine as I could no longer push my bike. He fed me bananas and kept me talking, and then flagged down a motorbike to take me to the feed station where I could get medical assistance. Thank you Laurent! From there it was a 3.5hr trip bouncing down the mountain in the back of the ambulance to the next campsite, a quick trip to the race medical centre for a weigh in, some medication usually reserved for chemotherapy patients, and then a trip to Dili.

I’m glad to be home. I’ll need a few weeks to get back to normal. But Tour de Timor IS a once in a lifetime race. Go on, do it. You’ll love it.

Ride Happy.

Another reason to race CX

One of the things I love about riding is the people you meet along the way. I'm sure you are the same. Cycling (and sport in general) has a great bonding quality that brings together people from all walks of life to share in something they love. Tonight I had the pleasure of meeting Iain Banfield, otherwise known as @veganbaker, who runs Fruition organic bakery in the Yarra Valley. Iain made the fantastic trophies for the second CX national race in Melbourne recently. In case you didn't see them, they were loaves of organic sourdough with bikes carved into them. I have always dreamed of winning an edible trophy.

In Italy it's not uncommon for winners of bike races to be awarded prizes like a hunk of prosciutto or parma ham. This was a great way of putting an Aussie spin on a Euro tradition in a sport that is, like, so Euro.

It was really cool to meet Iain tonight and share his enthusiasm for all things bikely. He showed me his bicycle polo bike that he'd just finished playing a game on and then left me with a special bike loaf, which is the big picture above. It really made my day.

I love bike people. If you are ever in Healesville, drop past Fruition and say thanks to Iain for supporting CX racing in Australia. His bread is awesome, too.

Here's a clip from the first CX round from SBS Cycling Central on Sunday night. Get amongst it and come race the next one!

Ride Happy.

CX, lugs and rock n roll

[Photo Brian Mangano brianmangano.com] I must admit I have been a late convert to the world of cyclo-cross. I saw pictures of the Dirty Deeds CX series last year in Victoria and thought it was cool, but couldn't make any of the races. I've always enjoyed seeing photos from Euro CX races (cowbells, beers and frites... what's not to like?). But it wasn't until I was looking up something else on the CA website that I saw that there was an Australian cyclo-cross series starting this year.

In the spirit of the Roadie Project, this looked like fun. And, it must be admitted, I'd been eyeing off the new Apollo Xact (one of CyclingTips' top picks for CX bikes under $2000) for a while. But, most appealing of all, here was a sport that gave a fighting chance for roadie scum to match it with real MTB-ers. And, as luck would have it, entries for the first round hadn't yet closed. It was fate.

CX is so new in Australia that it represents a great leveller in bike racing. Everyone is in the same boat (unless your name is Lewis Rattray). Whether you're a roadie, a MTBer or just enjoy playing in mud, cyclo-cross offers something for you. I love that FUN is the one thing bringing cyclists from all disciplines together.

The first race was in Port Melbourne on Saturday  and offered a rare opportunity to sit at threshold for 45 minutes, pausing every so often to fling your bike over a barrier or run through a gravel pit. Thanks to some wet weather during the week, the race course, which had started off relatively firm and Aussie-like, got steadily boggier and more Belgian as the day progressed. By the time the elite men and women's races started in the afternoon, the crowd was practically Flemish. Full Gas Promotions did an awesome job of starting the series off with a bang.

I ran into Tim Decker from SASI at the first race. It was good to see another roadie there. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Hey, um... what PSI are you running? 

Tim: Pretty low I reckon.

Me: Like, 75?

Tim: WHAT?

Me: 50?

Tim: You've got to stop thinking like a roadie. Try 35!

Me: But my tyres are skinny!

Tim: Think like a mountain biker!

The first race hurt a lot. It was like a crit on steroids. But on a fun scale of 1 to 10, it was an 11. The second race, held the next day in the hipster heartland of Darebin Parklands was equally awesome and much muddier. (Thanks to Dirty Deeds CX for all their efforts) The crowds were noisy, the heckling was ripe and the winners got giant loaves of sourdough from Vegan Baker (SO hipster). MTB superstar Mel Ansett put everyone in the box early, just like she did on Saturday, and did it with a smile. I was too far into the box to muster up more than a grimace, until a heckler told me to smile (thank you), after which I remembered to have fun. Thank you heckler. Also thank you to the lovely gentleman trackside who offered a pick up line mid-race. It was very flattering.

The next round is in Adelaide, and I'm really looking forward to it. My parents don't often get to see me race and I'm quite excited. Even better, the tradition of Skinsuit Sunday (unsuccessfully launched earlier this year by VIS mechanic Moody and I) will live on for at least one more weekend.

Ride Happy.

Note: The cool photos in this post were largely from Facebook - sorry I can't remember who posted them. If you drop me a line I will put your name in! The bad ones are mine. 

Lisa's Mum goes to the Canbrrrrrra Tour

[Image (c) Mark Gunter Photography] Last weekend Lisa's Mum visited Canberra for the Canberra Women's Tour, the latest NRS tour in the ladies' calendar. Actually, she meant to go to Floriade but got the dates wrong. Mum does like a good chrysanthemum. Nevertheless, the racing provided a welcome distraction from the disappointment of missing Canberra's most prestigious flower festival.

Canberra Tour for most of us is known simply as 'The Cold Tour'. In fact, even when there were 2 Canberra Tours in Winter, there was one that was Pretty Cold and one that was So Cold That Your Fingers Felt Like They'd Been Slammed Into A Car Door Cold. Faced with the difficult decision to cut one of the tours from the race calendar, organisers wisely chose to retain the latter tour, presumably because they liked black ice and one of them owned shares in Icebreaker. Not that Lisa's Mum was complaining. On the contrary, she took great delight in finding weather that was cold enough to warrant wearing her fleece-lined, wind-proof, water-resistant, snow-proof bib tights. These tights hadn't been called into service since Lisa's Mum's days as an extra in Olivia Newton-John's 'Let's Get Physical' video clip, and she was pleased for an opportunity to bring them out again.

Lisa's Mum was gratified to find that the tour had been scheduled in the middle of Canberra's coldest spell of weather since 1936. It made her feel less awkward about adding anti-freeze to her bidon and wearing fur coats made from endangered animals.Lisa's Mum did wonder, however, at how cyclists in Canberra manage to get through a whole season like this. On reflection, she concluded that the Winters were probably the reason why Canberra breeds so many good professional cyclists. Everyone has an incentive to get good enough so they can bugger off to a pro team and a European Summer.

Mum was also particularly impressed by the standard of racing at the Tour. The 4-stage event was won by Taryn Heather, a South Australian who has the distinction of having raced more world championships than NRS races (well, almost). Taz's return to form after injury and illness is a sign of great things to come. While Taz conceded at the start of the tour that she was only at around 80% fitness, the rest of the peleton quietly hoped that their 100% would be as good as her 80%. It wasn't.

While happy to reunite with the AIS food hall, Lisa's Mum left Canberra feeling slightly disappointed. It wasn't so much the lack of sticky date pudding, but more the fact that the Curse of the VIS Women's Team had struck again, reducing the team to 2 riders. This time it was illness that was the culprit, claiming Jess 'Jallen' Allen, Supercoach, Moody... and slowly everyone else. The Enforcer, not one to shy away from punishment, performed the work of 4 teammates but in the end the VIS Chicks left a broken crew.

Before signing out... a shout out to a good friend of Ride Happy, Jarrod Partridge (aka Mr JXP Photography) who together with Cycling Cafe founder Simon Cadzow is riding the Tour de France on stationary trainers to raise money for Autism SA & The Army of Autism Awareness Angels. You can read all about his crazy adventures here. If you're feeling the cold this Winter, jump in and make a donation for instant warm fuzzies.

Ride happy.

Chanelling the van der Ploegs

Ever since I started riding I've been trying to work out how I can go faster. Can I train harder? Eat better? Change equipment? Sleep more? About a year ago I worked out that I was looking at the problem the wrong way.

To say that riding fast is the key to cycling is like saying that yoga is the key to a long and fulfilling life. It might be part of it, but focusing entirely on it is not going to make you much fun to sit next to at dinner parties give you the outcome you want or make your life better. At the end of the day, we ride bikes because we enjoy it - or once did, or think we should. Sometimes it's easy to forget that amongst all the power meters and carbon fibre and early morning sessions.

This year I've tried something different with my racing. Instead of worrying about the details, I've been channelling the van der Ploegs.

Many of you will know the van der Ploeg family personally. It's hard to be involved in cycling in Australia and not see, hear, or be passed by a van der Ploeg at some stage in a race. The family hails from Mt Beauty in Victoria and 4 of the 5 boys have represented Australia in either mountain biking, cross-country skiing, or both. The entire family exudes a joie de vivre that I believe Chanel is trying to bottle and sell as an exclusive 'No.6' fragrance. It's hard to have a conversation with a van der Ploeg and not feel better about the world afterwards.

I've seen a lot of Paul and Neil this year at races and these guys crack me up. What I love about them is that they epitomise the pure joy of riding bikes. They are immensely talented and don't take themselves too seriously. Most of all, they remind me of how much better racing is when you just enjoy the ride. To give you a glimpse of life inside the mind of a van der Ploeg, this just popped into my Facebook feed:

 Neil van der Ploeg (about an hour ago)

Our plant that "thrived on neglect" died, despite getting nothing BUT the very finest neglect. Be warned, despite their bad ass attitude they really are sensitive plants on the inside and need nurturing, just like all of us. Let this death be a lesson to us all.

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Paul also writes a great blog about his racing adventures in Europe with the Felt-Oztail Bionic MTB world cup team.

So, back to racing. Last week I raced the Santos North West Tour in NSW, which was the most recent national road series tour. It was a 4-day, 5-stage tour starting in Narrabri and passing through Coonabarabram and Gunnadah before finishing in Tamworth. I went as a team of one. I was lucky to be adopted by the Suzuki Cycling Team and treated as one of their own, which was lovely. Amongst other things, it was a rare treat to be able to do the washing and not confuse my knicks with anyone else's.

The first couple of stages I didn't have much fun. I found the racing stressful and insular without teammates. Then I ran into Jenny van der Ploeg after the crit and she was telling me how Neil's team (Search2Retain) had just finished racing Tour of Toowoomba and had to raise funds, get a support crew and convince riders to stay on to race the Santos North West Tour the following week. They did it, because they love racing and they wanted to ride. It made me realise that I could do worse than to channel some of that positivity. I mightn't be able to change the race, but I could change how I felt about it.

The next few stages were a lot better. I worried less about the racing and spent more time enjoying it. I lost the NRS leader's jersey, but made some new friends in the Suzuki crew and had a great time. I think channelling the van der Ploegs worked.

When I think back to my fondest cycling moments, they aren't race results or self-transcending interval sessions or PBs. They are the road trips with my mates to races in the middle of nowhere; the jokes shared around a table in Smiths Gully with a bunch of middle-aged professionals* as the rain pours down outside; the post-race debriefs with the Platypus of Truth. It's these shared experiences that make me remember what a great community the cycling scene is.

Next week we are racing the next NRS tour in Canberra. I'll have McConville and Jallen back, and Supercoach and Moody are looking after us. And - very exciting - Kendelle is coming up too as she gets a step closer to kicking her glandular fever. I can't wait.

Ride happy.

PS - thanks to JXP Photography for the race image above.

*Just for you, Mick

North West Tour - on the road again

I'm on the way to stage 3 of the North West Tour- so please excuse the short post as it's from the back of a van.I'm here at the tour as a team of 1, as the rest of the VIS crew couldn't make it and wanted to remind me how much I'd miss them.

Luckily for me I've been adopted by the good people at Team Suzuki who are kindly letting me join them for the week. Highlights so far have included Bernadette's awesome cooking, some projectile vomiting (get well soon Laura) and entry into thr inner sanctum of the Suzuki girls' pre-race preparation. I must admit I had not previously appreciated the importance of race nails and go-faster braids, but I will go home from the tour a more complete rider for it.

The first stage Prologue (3.6km) was followed by a crit which was about as confusing as they come. A rider had crashed and the stage was neutralised, but an abundance of yellow, red and green flags and some unclear instructions meant that no one really knew when we were racing again. I suspect it was a little too convenient for riders to yell 'Neutral!' when someone attacked and they weren't in the mood to chase, but I suppose that is part of the tactical genius that is involved in crit racing.

We are now heading to the Queen stage, a hilly 76km around coonabarabran. i just love the town names around here.

Ride happy .

May update - Getting dirty, then getting clean

May has been a big month. I'm a bit behind with Ride Happy posts, so here is a very brief snapshot of what's been going on. We started with Battle on the Border in Qld. I am still leading the National Road Series, although the amazing Ruth Corset is hot on my heels. My mum (NOT Lisa's Mum!) got very excited about this article by Cycling Australia because I talked about how I like having a career to balance out all the pedalling. Parents like to hear things like that.

I've been enjoying some time in Adelaide, training and with family. It really is the best city in Australia for cycling. I have a bike that I keep there now, which makes spur-of-the-moment trips very do-able. It's almost worth flying there just to experience the novelty of not travelling with a bike bag. Some quality secret training too, which as we all know is the best kind.

The following weekend, Ryan 'Diamonds' Moody and I teamed up for the Dirty Gran Fondo MTB in Wandong, VIC, put on by the good people at Big Hill Events. 90km of fire road through Mt Disappointment State Forest with >2000m vertical. That is a lot, particularly on a mountain bike. Diamonds could have dropped me about a million times, but luckily for me stuck around to watch me suffer.

The DGF was awesome, but ridiculously muddy. It was an important race for The Roadie Project, as I've entered Tour de Timor in Sept (a 5 day MTB stage race) and need to be somewhat competent in an international MTB field. Riders could opt to ride cyclocross bikes or MTBs, and there was some pretty compelling evidence to be seen of the growing popularity of CX in Australia. ANOTHER bike for the wish list!

Despite the fantastic atmosphere that is typical of MTB racing, the day was soured for me by the behaviour of one WALRUS, who took me out in the first 5km as we were all jostling for position. This guy decided that he was in 81st place and had to move to 80th pronto, which meant changing his line in a rocky creek bed and clean decking me. That's part and parcel of racing, but what was disappointing was that the guy knew he was in the wrong and didn't check that the person who had just eaten it was ok.  I saw him turn around as I was sprawled out elegantly over the rocks, then keep going (no doubt to chase down 79th place). Fair enough if you are racing for the win but this guy was no winner. I don't mind bleeding all over my nice race shoes, and spending a few days off the bike, and sticking to the bed sheets, but I take exception to spending my Sunday afternoon in a medical clinic and scrubbing out my knee in the shower with a toothbrush, just because some idiot doesn't know how to ride. ALSO, given that there were 120 starters and I finished 20th, I'm pretty sure I passed you, Walrus, at some stage, and I bet as you were chicked you made some stupid excuse to yourself about how this was a training race for you and you were just pacing yourself, etc etc. WALRUS!

Phew! That's my grumpy rant done.

The next exciting thing is that Apollo Bicycles have started a Facebook comp to choose the cover photo for the Apollo 2013 catalogue. They have very kindly put a photo of me bleeding from my eyeballs (below) as one of the entries. The winning photo is the one with the most 'Likes'. You can enter by visiting the Apollo Facebook page here. (Or try here for a link to the photo itself, if you're feeling lucky.)

Obviously, voting brings you extremely good luck and it's been proven that voters are better kissers.

Another cool thing that's happened lately is that I've started a new job as an in-house legal counsel in Melbourne. I've had a great year of exploring new opportunities and this is an exciting new chapter in my career. Again, this got my Mum very excited.

I've also started a board role with Lacrosse Victoria, which is a new and exciting challenge. And I had a great opportunity last month to sit on the Cycling Australia Selection Review Panel for a world champs selection appeal. I'm getting a lot of enjoyment from working with sports, and as I go I realise how much athletes can contribute positively to sports governance.

But... one of THE MOST exciting and newsworthy events lately has been that Lisa's Mum now has her own regular column in Bicycling Australia magazine! That's right, Lisa's Mum has sold out. She will still be appearing in Ride Happy, but this time if you send her a letter you may just see it in the next BA issue. Her first appearance is in the next issue (out in the next few weeks). You can also grab a copy of RIDE Magazine for something more serious - the current issue (#56) has the first of a four-chapter series I've written on corruption, match-fixing and cycling. Corruption in sport has the potential to be bigger than doping, and potentially more damaging.

OK, that's enough talking, and time to get back pedalling. Thanks to everyone who has kept me smiling over the last few months. You know who you are.

Ride Happy.

Lisa's Mum presents Battle on the Border vs Mt Beauty 6 hr MTB (in an Eagle-versus-Shark kind of way)

My race report from Battle on the Border (last weekend in Qld) is way overdue. As is my race report from the Mt Beauty 6 hour MTB race the previous weekend. As is my uni assignment. So, in the interests of multi-tasking, I enlisted the help of Lisa's Mum to consolidate the two races into the one report. (PS - Big up to Mark Gunter who took the cover photo - it's a ripper) Lisa's Mum enjoys these creative challenges because it distracts her from other everyday crises, such as finding a park at Burnside Village on pension day without being hit by an elderly driver high on pharmacy jelly beans. Mum was not actually present at either race, on account of a late call-up to cover the Giro d'Italia for Le Petit Pois d'Avigne, central France's most respected boutique agricultural journal. Mum is certain that a foothold in the French gardening market will leave her poised to catapult into the SBS commentary team at the Tour de France in July. In the meantime, she is enjoying the hospitality and professionalism of LPPdA and has all the carrots she can eat.

I sent Lisa's Mum by telegram a series of photos from the races (taken by the invaluable Ryan 'Diamonds' Moody*) with the strict instructions that she was to research carefully each race and provide an informative and insightful race summary to match the photos. Here is Lisa's Mum's report:

Mt Beauty is a small peaceful settlement in North-East Victoria at the base of Falls Creek, breeding ground of Australian sporting legends including Ronan 'Shooter' Magharan and Paul van der Ploeg's legs. Also home to a permanent Boil Water notice on account of the high faecal content in the local supply. The two are not thought to be related. 

Like Mt Beauty, the Mullumbimby Shire (home of the Battle on the Border) boasts a generous bogan quotient and $6 burger-and-pot deals at the local RSL. The two are most definitely related.

The Mt Beauty 6 hr MTB race was run with professional aplomb by the good folks at Team Mt Beauty. The crew assured us that the course would be suitable for all but the most novice of riders. It later transpired that 'novice' in Mt Beauty terms means 'Olympic pre-selection'. They breed them tough in Mt Beauty. Each lap had around 250m of vertical which was covered in the first 4km, followed by 4km of descending back down to the start/finish area. It was a great course, matched by perfect conditions and an on-site coffee van. Highly recommended. The VIS ran a tight crew of KAOS and LJ racing women's pairs and Ryan Moody riding solo on a single speed rigid, just to make everyone else look bad. 

The Battle on the Border was the second race in the women's National Road Series, and consisted of a 7.1km time trial followed by 98km road race (Sat), 84km road race (Sun) and crit (Mon). Highlights included working on our tan lines, cruising Surfers Paradise and not getting hit by cars in the first road race. The VIS ran a small crew of 3 riders - LJ, the Enforcer and Spike - so as to maintain its goal ratio of 2:3 staff to athletes. Team mascot The Platypus of Truth was joined by Rupert the paranoid schizophrenic bear, featuring in his first road event. 

The Battle on the Border saw the return of cycling super mum Ruth Corset, 2009 National Champion, to the women's peleton. Ruth has been training for the Cairns Half Ironman and just popped back into the peleton to remind herself how much swimming and running sucks. As we saw her disappear up the KOM on the first road race and solo to a victory and overall Tour win, the rest of the peleton quietly considered adding some half-ironman intervals to their training programs, too.

Part-time Dutchie Chloe 'The Enforcer' McConville was in stomping form, enforcing all over the place and ending up 3rd on GC...

...and then hightailing it back to the AIS European base four days later.

 The dynamic duo of Supercoach and Diamonds yet again kept Team VIS organised, well-equipped and wanting for nothing all weekend. Except maybe some more teammates...

Thanks Lisa's Mum for such insightful commentary. A big up to Tour winner Ruth Corset - it's great seeing her back in the peleton. Congrats also to TT machine Bec Wiszeak (2nd). I hung on for 4th and kept the NRS lead for now.

Ride happy.

* Why Diamonds? Because as a bike mechanic, myotherapist, logistics genius and undisputed King of Car Tetris (Luggage Division), he's the VIS girls' best friend and every other team wants him for their own.