Lisa's Mum weighs in on mechanical doping

BREAKING NEWS

Just as professional cycling seemed to be emerging from the dark shadow of doping in the 90s and 2000s, a new integrity challenge has emerged: mechanical doping.

Speaking at a hastily-convened press conference in Zolder, Belgium, UCI officials yesterday confirmed that it had uncovered evidence of mechanical doping during routine checks of rider bikes at the 2016 cyclocross world championships held over the weekend.

The news delivers a harsh blow to the UCI's Department for Uniformity of Nations against Corruption Events (DUNCE), who until recently were thought to be making progress on cycling's various integrity challenges. A DUNCE spokesman confirmed that the activity had taken them by surprise, "in much the same way as Oprah's Lance Armstrong special."

It appears that on Friday a rider had reported suspicious activity coming from the Paraguayan national team area during one of the designated practice sessions at the Zolder championships course. The exact activity was unconfirmed by the UCI, but several teams confirmed that Paraguayan national team coaches were sighted attempting what appeared to be the installation of a small monorail around the Zolder course. A subsequent search of the Paraguayan team van carried out by the UCI uncovered a number of rail tracks, cladding and small digging tools which experts later confirmed were appropriate for light rail construction. Paraguayan national team managers were unavailable for comment when contacted by Ride Happy, but cyclocross subject matter expert Lisa's Mum has provided the following insights in an addendum to her latest book, Committing to the Rut: A Short History of Technology in Cyclocross:

"'Committing to the rut' is a saying that best describes the confidence, agility and technical skill required in cornering on a muddy Belgian parcours. On a typical race day, thousands of wheels travel over the same corner on a race course. The constant traffic quickly wears a deep groove, or rut, into the fastest line going into the corner. To take that fast line, a rider must approach the rut quickly and, like a train, allow their front wheel to slot into the rut and carry the bike around the corner. The rut, carved by the thousands of wheels before it, is 33mm (tyre-width) wide and derailleur-height-deep. Taking the rut means a smooth, fast corner. If the wheel misses that rut, even by just a few millimetres, the rider will crash. Fast cornering, and therefore fast racing, requires commitment to the rut.

"European cyclocross racers are not renowned for their adaptability to technology. Half the professional field, for example, still uses cantilever brakes, on the premise that hydraulic disc brakes are the devil's work. However, their commitment to winning is unquestionable. If a rider is physiologically excellent, but wavers in their commitment to the rut, there is certainly merit in the argument that they will seek to achieve that commitment by alternate means."

It appears that Paraguayan national team management had intended to install small sections of monorail track on parts of a race course in order to give their riders an advantage over the rest of the field.

When approached with this hypothesis, Lisa's Mum had this to say:

"Paraguayan race courses, while beautiful, do not equip riders with the skills necessary for Belgian racing. 'Committing to the rut' is a common fear of Paraguayan racers, such that 'commitment phobia' is a diagnosed medical condition entitling an athlete to state-funded psychological treatment. It has been common knowledge for years that the technology for guerrilla monorail construction exists. Indeed, in the past five years several high-profile Paraguayan masters racers have been busted for monorail doping. It is only a matter of time before we see this technology infiltrate the professional peloton.

The news that mechanical doping is real and present in professional cycling threatens to undermine not only the UCI but also the hard work of microdosing drug cheats everywhere, who had previously held the primary advantage in the doping stakes.

In response, DUNCE has introduced a new mechanical passport, which professional teams will be required to submit as of March 2017. The passport tracks a rider's technological profile using parameters such as model of iPhone, brand of warm-up headphones and number of Instagram posts per day. Sharp fluctuations in a rider's technological profile triggers an alert to the UCI that the rider's predisposition to technological corruption has changed, which in turn prompts investigation by DUNCE.

"Mechanical doping is the new integrity challenge faced by professional riders everywhere," a spokesman for DUNCE explained. "Previously our belief had been that the mere presence of a competent mechanic could, in certain circumstances, constitute mechanical doping when racing against a field of hubbards with self-installed groupsets from ProBikeKit. This new discovery has put the UCI on notice that monorail construction, tragically, exists in CX, and is here to stay."

Lisa's Mum presents A Culinary 'Cross Guide

It should come as no surprise to regular Ride Happy readers that Lisa's Mum, while waiting patiently for SBS to respond to her petition to replace Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwin on their Tour de France commentary team, has many things to fill her day. Being on call for the Tour Down Under, for example, means that she can never be far away from her computer and long-range binoculars. Should Lisa's Mum receive the call up, her fans deserve the benefit of knowing exactly how many Weet-Bix Rohan Dennis has for breakfast, or the brand of tea that Richie Porte buys in the supermarket. Mum is nothing if not meticulous in her research.

A fan has recently written in to ask Lisa's Mum her insights on a typical CX rider's diet. The query is fortuitous in its timing, for Lisa's Mum is currently serving as adjunct professor at the School of Dietetics at New Hampshire University while completing her PhD in exercise metabolism of waffles in off-road cycling athletes. The PhD has taken slightly longer than anticipated on account of the School's strict ethics policy of using mice as subjects, meaning that Lisa's Mum spent the first two years of her studies teaching mice how to ride tiny cyclocross bicycles. However, with the bulk of her work now behind her, and a fleet of competent bike-riding mice, Lisa's Mum is well placed to advise on the ideal diet of CX riders.

 The diet of a typical 'cross rider can change depending on the season. Given that CX is a winter sport, the end of the racing season (often an opportunity for post-season blowout) also marks the start of bikini season. One cannot indulge in too many frites if one wishes to be bikini-ready by Summer. Many riders, therefore, choose to join road teams in the summertime so as to retain the right amount of peer pressure required to keen one's skinfolds low. 2014 CX world champion Zdenek Stybar, for example, recently announced that he would not be contesting the 2016 CX world championships, choosing instead to focus on his bikini ambitions with Etixx-QuickStep. The exception to this rule is Antipodean CX athletes, who craftily avoid summer by moving from southern to northern hemisphere as soon as the weather gets nice, thereby ensuring maximal frite gains.

Niels Albert looking bikini-ready

Leading into race season, a rider's diet varies depending on their season goals. Before Cross Vegas became a World Cup, riders targeting this race would focus specifically on beer-hand up repeats, which are broadly similar to hill repeats but with a bit more vomiting. Those focused on a strong performance at Koksjide incorporate a lot of sand-eating into their diet, particularly those expecting to fall outside the top 10.

This is delicious. It just doesn't have your best interests at heart.  

In Europe, a typical pro rider's diet in race season looks like this:

9am: Wake up. Espresso and muesli (the boring muesli, not the chocolate one).

10am: Consider riding. Wait for rain to clear while drinking espresso.

11am: Still drinking espresso.

12pm: Ride a little bit.

2pm: Spaghetti (no cheese), recovery drink. Pangs of espresso regret.

6pm: Spaghetti (no cheese), de l'eau petillant, one segment of orange.

Occasionally, riders slip up and find themselves rapidly approaching race season being very much bikini-unready. This may be because their diet has looked like this:

Breakfast (9am): Muesli met chocolade. Croissant with speculoos.

Speculoos: the Nutella of Benelux

10am: Consider riding. Wait for rain to clear with spoon and speculoos in line of sight.

11am: Dispose of empty speculoos jar.

12pm: Ride a little bit (to waffle store).

2pm: Pick up some Belgian chocolate ('for the kids'). Eat chocolate on way home, dispose of wrappers under car seat next to empty speculoos jars.

6pm: Celebrate the end of the day with a couple of Belgian beers to wash away taste of chocolate. Kebab on way home. Extra cheese.

Tyler Hamilton's pre-tour meal

For those riders, the days immediately leading into race season follow the Tyler Hamilton Grand Tour Weight Loss Plan (TM) of 6-hour rides followed by de l'eau petillant and 2x temazepam. Lisa's Mum has limited data on these riders, who when contacted for interview declined to respond to emails, answer the phone or admit they were home.

Lisa's Mum hopes this answers your query, dear reader, and thank you for taking the time to write in with your question. Further insights will be published in Lisa's Mum's PhD thesis, entitled Waffles, waffle regret and Niels Albert, due out soon.

Ride happy.

Selection Criteria for Commuter Olympics: Official Announcement

PRESS RELEASE City cyclists today have been buoyed by the news that Cycling Australia has released its official selection criteria for the 2014 Commuter Olympics.

The Cyclone Hubbards, as the team will be known, will comprise 14 of the nation's top commuter cyclists. Hubbard High Performance Manager Harry Halfwheel has high hopes for the contingent:

"The Commuter Olympics is an opportunity for Australia's fastest commuters to thrash it out on the world stage. Cycling to work is certainly still a minority sport in this country, but I've seen enough high-speed bike path crashes to know that we are not short of hubbard talent. While Australia doesn't boast the grass roots commuter development seen in nations like the Netherlands, I am expecting the Cyclone Hubbards to really ignite Australians' passion for racing total strangers down city streets on unroadworthy bikes."

The selection criteria, set out below, sets qualification standards based on technical skills, performance in commuter events, and number of urban Strava segments held by the athlete. Rigorous clothing regulations apply, including minimum standards for high-viz jackets and maximum numbers for zip ties in helmets.

SELECTION CRITERIA: 2014 COMMUTER OLYMPICS - AUSTRALIAN TEAM

(Maximum long team size is twice the qualified quota in UCI ranking system for nations. Only cyclists in the 2014 national long team will be considered for selection to the final 2014 Australian team.)

The selectors will consider the following in determining the 2014 Commuter Oympics national team:

1. Mandatory Events/Requirements

Final team selection (clause 4) will be subject to a cyclist having satisfied conditions below.

• Riders must have competed in at least one of the following during the previous 5 years:
  • Around The Bay in a Day;
  • BRW or Ironman distance triathlon;
  • Any qualification events for the World Cross-Fit Games (one of which must involve a tractor tyre).

In all cases, the rider must have purchased and worn the official event t-shirt on a Casual Friday.

2. Automatic Selections

A maximum of 2 riders who attain top ranking on 2 or more Strava segments within the CBD of their home city will be added to the final team. For the avoidance of doubt, a Strava segment will be considered to lie within the CBD if it falls within a 4km radius of the GPO and contains at least 1 set of traffic lights. The colour of the traffic lights at the time the rider passes through them will not be taken into account at the time of recording the Strava segment.

3. Additional Team Selections

• Selectors will identify the remaining final national team members based on a mixture of talent that may include bike path handling skills, pannier loading aptitude and general panache. Particular regard will be given to a cyclist’s demonstrated ability for overtaking a bunch of commuters sitting stationary at traffic lights just so that they can get first jump when the lights turn green.

• In no specific order of priority, selectors will consider the following factors:
  • Proportion of high-viz wear worn by the individual as a total proportion of their clothing. Particular attention will be given to reflective ankle cuffs;
  • Number of zip ties worn by the rider in their helmet (generally seen around springtime but consideration will be given to riders sporting a helmet echidna all year round);
  • Individual performances in cross-dressing (judged as the wearing of multiple pro team kits simultaneously); and
  • The rider's peripheral vision, demonstrated by their ability to subtly check out the commuters they've just passed through a slight sideways tilt of the head.

3. National Coach's Choice

One position on the final Olympic team will be decided by the National Coach  based on the best pain face demonstrated by a rider on Melbourne's Eastern Freeway bike path travelling:

• in an easterly direction;
• between the hours of 6 and 8pm; and
• on a gradient of no greater than 5%.

4. Selection Schedule

• 21 September: Long team announced by CA
• 30 September: Closing date for appeals against non-selection into the long team
• 2 October: Selectors submit final team selections for endorsement by CA CEO
• 5 October: Final team announced (UCI entry cut-off date)

New Year's Eve Tips For The Romantic Peddler

[There's not much connection between the cover pic and this week's post, but who doesn't like a good Skinsuit Sunday shot??] Ride Happy has over the years proffered advice on a number of topics, from Jersey selection for the recreational cyclist to whether to disown your son over poor bike taste and how to handle office douchebags. Sometimes this advice has been well-received. Sometimes not (hello triathletes! I love you deep down, really).

I apologise first of all for the back-log of emails asking for Lisa's Mum's advice that I have yet to get to. I always love getting them and my responsiveness does not reflect my enthusiasm for reading them. Please keep them coming. Send them again, if you could. I would love to get to them... I just need a prod sometimes.

Now that it is almost 2013, my thoughts turn to New Year's Eve and the veritable treasure trove of romance that awaits the drunk and opportunistic. Being now a single lass, I see New Year's Eve through different eyes... those eyes being slightly blurry and prone to distraction. However, having been out of the game for 9 years a while, I felt in need of a strong guiding hand in the romance department.* And so it was with a steady hand that I unlocked the cupboard under the stairs and thrust a steaming mug of Earl Grey into the hands of a dusty and neglected Lisa's Mum.

Lisa's Mum is a well-recognised authority on romance, having married 5 times and ghost-written the bestseller Fifty Millimetres of Sock Height, a racy novel enjoyed by cyclists in private around the world. Her thoughts on romance are so advanced that it is said that even Mario Cippolini himself would consult Lisa's Mum prior to any romantic encounter during Grand Tours (a practice that coincidentally coincided with the introduction of Telekom Italia's maxi-cap mobile plans). And so, with tea freshly brewed and pen poised, here are Lisa's Mum's tips for navigating the peloton of love this New Year's Eve:

• Make sure you have a pre-race strategy: There is nothing worse than being the sucker who goes on the attack too early. This is the Paris-Roubaix of romantic nights: you have one shot at it and you need to get to the Forest d'Ardennes ahead of the bunch. Remember, everyone is twitchy; just keep your head and don't be the one who brings the whole bunch down.
• Course selection: A one-day classic requires a different approach to a Grand Tour. Both have their merits. But consider: are you a sprinter or endurance romantic? If you like a one-day race, New Year's Eve is for you... but you had better be sure you have a fast finish on you. No one likes a choker.
• Keep it realistic: There is no point if you are a punter to be aiming to win the Tour de France. Keep your sights within reach.
• Get a good domestique: A domestique, or 'wingman' in layman's parlance, is worth their weight in gold. Practice a few moves together and make sure they know how to lead you out and how to deliver you to the line when you need it.
• Equipment selection: Give all your equipment a good wash. That's what the pros do, and they do this all the time. Make sure all your gear is in good working order. I've been beaten by players with lesser machinery, and it hurts.
• Stay off performance-enhancing drugs: It will cloud your judgement and you won't respect yourself in the morning.
• The best time to attack is when your opponent is distracted: Maybe they're in the toilet. Maybe they've ordered another beer. Get your domestique to do some blocking moves so that you have a clear run at the prize.
• Above all, learn to Sit In: Girls, you should NEVER hang out in the wind. Stay tucked in and don't be the one leading the charge. You'll need to conserve your strength for later when the real race starts.

Good luck... and may all your efforts end with your arms in the air.

Ride Happy.

*Those who are in the loop on Target 30/30 - the most awesome new year's resolution of all time - will agree with this. 

Lisa's Mum goes to the Canbrrrrrra Tour

[Image (c) Mark Gunter Photography] Last weekend Lisa's Mum visited Canberra for the Canberra Women's Tour, the latest NRS tour in the ladies' calendar. Actually, she meant to go to Floriade but got the dates wrong. Mum does like a good chrysanthemum. Nevertheless, the racing provided a welcome distraction from the disappointment of missing Canberra's most prestigious flower festival.

Canberra Tour for most of us is known simply as 'The Cold Tour'. In fact, even when there were 2 Canberra Tours in Winter, there was one that was Pretty Cold and one that was So Cold That Your Fingers Felt Like They'd Been Slammed Into A Car Door Cold. Faced with the difficult decision to cut one of the tours from the race calendar, organisers wisely chose to retain the latter tour, presumably because they liked black ice and one of them owned shares in Icebreaker. Not that Lisa's Mum was complaining. On the contrary, she took great delight in finding weather that was cold enough to warrant wearing her fleece-lined, wind-proof, water-resistant, snow-proof bib tights. These tights hadn't been called into service since Lisa's Mum's days as an extra in Olivia Newton-John's 'Let's Get Physical' video clip, and she was pleased for an opportunity to bring them out again.

Lisa's Mum was gratified to find that the tour had been scheduled in the middle of Canberra's coldest spell of weather since 1936. It made her feel less awkward about adding anti-freeze to her bidon and wearing fur coats made from endangered animals.Lisa's Mum did wonder, however, at how cyclists in Canberra manage to get through a whole season like this. On reflection, she concluded that the Winters were probably the reason why Canberra breeds so many good professional cyclists. Everyone has an incentive to get good enough so they can bugger off to a pro team and a European Summer.

Mum was also particularly impressed by the standard of racing at the Tour. The 4-stage event was won by Taryn Heather, a South Australian who has the distinction of having raced more world championships than NRS races (well, almost). Taz's return to form after injury and illness is a sign of great things to come. While Taz conceded at the start of the tour that she was only at around 80% fitness, the rest of the peleton quietly hoped that their 100% would be as good as her 80%. It wasn't.

While happy to reunite with the AIS food hall, Lisa's Mum left Canberra feeling slightly disappointed. It wasn't so much the lack of sticky date pudding, but more the fact that the Curse of the VIS Women's Team had struck again, reducing the team to 2 riders. This time it was illness that was the culprit, claiming Jess 'Jallen' Allen, Supercoach, Moody... and slowly everyone else. The Enforcer, not one to shy away from punishment, performed the work of 4 teammates but in the end the VIS Chicks left a broken crew.

Before signing out... a shout out to a good friend of Ride Happy, Jarrod Partridge (aka Mr JXP Photography) who together with Cycling Cafe founder Simon Cadzow is riding the Tour de France on stationary trainers to raise money for Autism SA & The Army of Autism Awareness Angels. You can read all about his crazy adventures here. If you're feeling the cold this Winter, jump in and make a donation for instant warm fuzzies.

Ride happy.

Lisa's Mum presents: Snow Whitey and the 7 Dwarfs (aka her review of the TDU)

Once upon a time there lived a directeur sportif named Snow Whitey. Snow Whitey was a beautiful creature, and could often be seen around town, her mane of blonde hair and curiously prominent ears turning heads at every café. Snow Whitey lived in the kingdom of Garmin with an evil stepmother called Jonathan Vaughters. One day, the evil stepmother decided that Snow Whitey was too beautiful and her blonde mane too glorious to stay in the kingdom of Garmin. The evil stepmother cast Snow Whitey into the woods and hoped that she would be eaten by hungry sprinters.

Luckily, Snow Whitey had excellent survival instincts cultivated from years of being a domestique for local warlord Lance Armstrong. She survived by eating forest berries and using her ears as giant nets to trap flies and small birds. One day while hunting she happened upon a large Jayco caravan owned by a group of merry dwarfs. There were 7 of them, and each had a name: Robbie, Stuey, Gerro, Durbo, Leigh, Cam and Gossy.

The 7 dwarfs ate together, rode together and dressed the same, in little green suits (probably designed for slightly smaller dwarfs, Snow Whitey suspected). Each day they would leave their caravan on their shiny matching bikes, singing, 'Hi ho, hi ho, it's up the road we go,' as they set to work, digging themselves into holes in the hope of finding diamonds.

Snow Whitey was not a dwarf but did enjoy wearing little tight suits too, and so the 7 dwarfs welcomed her as one of their own. Snow Whitey loved the dwarfs, but every day she thought about her evil stepmother and vowed revenge.

One morning at breakfast, Snow Whitey was sipping her espresso and reading the paper when she saw a story about a race going on in the neighbouring kingdom of Adelaide, in which her evil step-mother would be competing.

'Look at this!' Snow Whitey exclaimed. 'It's a bike race in the kingdom of Adelaide! Teams 0f 7 race for 5 days over hundreds of kilometres in 40-degree heat! It's lucky there are 7 of you dwarfs. I will drive in an air-conditioned car behind you.'

The dwarfs looked hesitant, but Snow Whitey assured them that she would look after them and never let them come to any harm from Warnie or troublesome chauffeurs with a history of playing giant animals on morning TV. And so the 7 dwarfs prepared to race. They organised a team training camp where they went golfing and go-karting. They flew around the country wearing matching suits and posed for photos with kangaroos. And, finally, they went to a studio and recorded a team song. At last, they were ready to take on the evil stepmother.

The 7 dwarfs raced hard. They took on giants, convicted dopers and yellow teletubbies on the top of Willunga Hill. By the end of the race, one of the 7 dwarfs was on equal time on GC with another team's dwarf. Luckily, the race director called upon by-law 1.2.11 of the race rules which stated that, where 2 riders were tied on GC for time, and one rider had won a stage, the leader's jersey would be given to whichever rider had professionally pre-recorded a team song in the weeks prior to the tour.

'Phew,' thought Snow Whitey, 'I am glad we did not end up shooting that swimsuit calendar that Robbie McEwen wanted.'

And so the dwarfs won, and Snow Whitey beat her evil stepmother, and they all lived happily ever after.

The end.

Lisa's Mum's guide to the Tour Down Under

Lisa's Mum loves the Tour Down Under, mainly because she has a small crush on Andre Greipel and enjoys seeing Adelaide drivers being forced to be nice to cyclists for a week (hoons in Adelaide are nothing if not economic rationalists; even the dumb ones like a tourist dollar). However, as an Adelaide local, eager to open her arms wide to the greater cycling fraternity in expectation of a passionate embrace (or at least a Euro double-kiss, or a Belgian triple-peck if she happens to chance upon Eddy Merckx), Lisa's Mum feels compelled to provide a short guide to the Tour Down Under to assist visitors and non-cyclists alike:

• The Tour Down under consists of a series of 3 women's crits run on Sunday, Monday and Thursday respectively. Stars in attendance include the reigning world time trial champion, 3 reigning Australian national champions and local celebrity giant-killer Bec Werner. There is also a support race in which men may participate and feel involved. The support race goes for 5 days because everyone knows that men take longer to do things.
• Adelaide is a charming city in the south-eastern part of Australia that is renowned for wine, pie-floaters, and the Snowtown 'bodies in the barrels' murders. Actually, the murders never took place in Snowtown.
• Lance Armstrong is not racing in the Tour Down Under. And despite Adelaide's new Livestrong cancer centre, Livestrong bike path, and the promise of Mike Rann naming his next child 'LiveStrong', it appears he will not be coming back.
• Replacing Lance as TDU guest of honour is a gentleman called Eddy Merckx. Eddy was the Lance Armstrong of the 70s, except that he won more races and never pretended to like the other riders. Everyone keeps telling him that he is the Don Bradman of cycling, although Don Bradman probably didn't take quite so many drugs in his day. Also, Eddy has no idea who Don Bradman is, so the reference is kind of redundant.
• Melbourne drivers please be advised that Adelaide does not tolerate any loutish behaviour on the roads, like U-turning at traffic lights or letting people into your lane. An appropriate speed is generally between 10 and 15kph under the speed limit. Under no circumstances should you attempt a hook turn.
• German drivers, please be advised that the O-Bahn is not the same as an Autobahn. Do not attempt to drive into it.
• If you are a non-cyclist and see someone in lycra on a bike, please do not ask them if they are racing in the Tour Down Under. They are not.
• Related to the above: If same cyclist is wearing a bandanna and has tri-bars on their bike, you should instead ask them if they want to buy your super-vitamin-miracle-water that is guaranteed to lift their time over a 40km time trial by at least 83 seconds. Give them a glass of water and charge them $20. (This WORKS!)
• A related point: Adelaide water is meant to taste like that.

Enjoy your week and Lisa's Mum looks forward to seeing you for scones and tea on Willunga Hill on Saturday.

Lisa's Mum at the Australian Road Cycling Champs 2012

I have just come back from road nationals. Congratulations to Amanda 'Spratty' Spratt and Simon Gerrans for earning the right to wear the green & gold in 2012! My race was horrendous. There is nothing worse than being in the form of your life 3 weeks too early. A tough day at the office at a time when everything needed to go right.

Some of you have been asking where Lisa's Mum has been over the past few months. She is hard at work on her dream of joining the SBS Commentary Team. Check this out:

Lisa's Mum contemplates Cadel's legacy

To celebrate Cadel's momentous Tour de France victory- the first ever by an Australian and certainly the biggest cycling achievement Australia has seen- Barwon Heads is thinking of naming a bridge after Cadel. Bravo, Barwon Heads! (Lisa's Mum did hear a rumour that DSE were thinking of renaming the river below The Omega Pharma-Lotto Tributary to celebrate Cadel getting over it, but this has not yet been verified.) This has got Lisa's Mum thinking; surely there are some other appropriate tributes we can make to celebrate such an historic achievement? Here are her suggestions... Ted Bailieu please take note:

1. The keys to Melbourne. I guess if we are being honest, Cadel should really get the keys to Geelong (his local), but somebody put them in a safe place in shoe next to the front door and now we can't find them.
2. The ravine at Werribee Gorge to be renamed the Cadel Cleft. It takes a great chin to make a great rider.
3. The Cadel Expressway: a freeway that goes for miles and miles and has 14 lanes so drivers can get some privacy.
4. The Cadel Cappuccino: signature drink of the champion. Made without froth, chocolate sprinkles or other frivolity. Actually, it's a short black. Best served with a Schleck sandwich.

Any other suggestions? Send them in to Lisa's Mum here.