Lisa's Mum's guide to surviving a conversation with a Tour tragic

Lisa's Mum understands the unenviable position of being stuck in a conversation on a topic she knows nothing about. She encountered this very problem only the other day when sitting next to Julia Gillard at a roundtable forum for Influential Women of the 21st Century held at the Altona South RSL. Although Lisa's Mum found Julia charming and very smartly dressed, her views on carbon pricing were somewhat limited, which made for some awkward silences between the pair. Lisa's Mum is here to ensure that the same does not happen to you during Tour time. Here are some fail-safe phrases to throw into water-cooler discussions about Le Tour / the Giro / Vuelta. Just make sure you deliver your snappy line and move smoothly away before the other person draws you into a proper conversation:

On the way the tour is panning out:

  • It's a game of cat and mouse
  • Ah yes, but they haven't hit the mountains yet
  • It's because Cadel still has a crappy team

On individual riders:

  • He's bluffing
  • Crikey he's arrogant. Can you believe what he gets paid?
  • What a hard man. They say he can crack walnuts between his calves just by putting his feet together and sneezing

On doping:

  • Doper or non-doper, Contador is still the best cyclist in the world
  • I ate a steak once, but I didn't test positive
  • Have you read 'Rough Ride'?

On the race radio debate:

  • Rider safety is important, but it's also important that I get to watch exciting TV
  • Why don't they all just listen to ABC NewsRadio? I do.

Good luck! And get some of your wife's eyeliner onto you - those dark circles are unbecoming.