Tour of NZ: The Get-Fit-In-4-Days Plan

The camera-shy Jayco-VIS team (in some cultures, looking directly into the camera lens means death)

In my uni days (before I was a proper athlete), I had a special training program that was called the Get-Fit-In-4-Days Plan. It doesn't need much explanation. Most people have tried some variant of the GFI4D Plan at some stage in their lives (a popular cousin is the Get Fit In 1 Day Plan, which happens across Melbourne about a week before the Around The Bay In A Day).

This year, the Get-Fit-In-4-Days plan came back into my program in the form of the Tour of New Zealand, a UCI 2.2, 5-day tour which featured teams like HTC-Highroad and the Australian, Chinese, Japanese and NZ national teams. Last year, this was a breakthrough tour for me and I finished 5th on GC. This year, I was riding the tour as a 'test' after a very frustrating period of injury and rehab. Essentially, I was just hoping to make time cut each day. I had physio permission to ride 3 stages, then assess how my quad was going before deciding whether to start the following day.

Supercoach gives us a pep talk

All frivolity aside, this tour was an unbelievably hard way to get fit, and I owe a lot to the VIS who have supported me throughout my rehab and put no expectations or pressure on me for results. I also owe a big thanks to my teammates who were happy to have me along despite my being about as useful as a chocolate teapot. Oh, and sick. The Jayco-VIS team consisted of:

• Jo 'GC Contender' Hogan
• Vicki 'International Superstar Ring-In' Whitelaw
• Kendelle 'Sprint Queen' Hodges
• Lisa 'Team Leper' Jacobs

and was led by Donna 'Supercoach' Rae-Szalinski, with Bob 'The Builder' Farley on mechanics and Sarah 'Super Soignny' Roy as team soigneur. It was an awesome crew. Jo 'Excuse me' Hogan raced like a champ and finished 7th on GC; Vicki  'Wiki Wiki' Whitelaw played the ultimate super domestique and finished 8th; and Kendelle 'Get IN MAH SPACE' Hodges almost walked away with the sprint jersey and a stage win. Respekt. For my part, I sweated spinal fluid for 3 days then came good enough on the 5th stage to bear a passing resemblance to a cyclist.

This must have been taken before the stage because I'm still standing (R)

My physical preparation for the tour was pretty limited due to my rehab and made harder by getting sick right before the race. Hence the 'Team Leper' tag. I won't go into details, but it involved getting a double-whammy cold and stomach virus 4 days before we were due to fly out, lots of time in the foetal position, getting sick during the race* and a course of antibiotics after the tour finish (see, now I'm just boasting). Tours seldom go to plan, but I don't remember coming up against a more challenging set of circumstances while racing.  

The rest of the Jayco-VIS team, though, was AWESOME. The tour started well with with Jo 'Trolley Stealer' Hogan and Vicki 'Don't tell Dave I crashed' Whitelaw nabbing 4th and 5th in stage 1 and making Donna happy that she could be 4th car in the race convoy. Bob 'BAAAAAAA' Farley earned the attention of the commissaires for making like a prom queen and standing out the sun roof of the race car. Sarah 'Positive Circle' Roy rode ahead and beat the entire field to the finish line on the first day by an hour, only to be disqualified for starting an hour early and not being entered in the race. Then she did our washing and gave us all massages. All week. Kendelle put up with me being her roommate for the week and managed not to catch anything. And Donna bought me more salty treats than I could have dreamed of. It was awesome.

Jo was in awesome form and smashed everyone, including herself on stage 5

Vicki and Jo in action with Judith Arndt (yellow jersey and tour winner)

Play of the week goes to Bob 'Bob-san' Farley who at the end of the week comprehensively won the Oceania Pavlova Speed Eating Championships by several lengths against a quality field. He followed up his Oceania title with a win in the Pan-Asian Pavlova Eating marathon champs later that night against the entire Japanese cycling team.

Bob-san with his fans

Bob could not be contacted for comment but his spokesman stated that, 'Bob has been training for this his entire life. They said it couldn't be done, but I think Bob is living proof that you can eat more than half your bodyweight in meringue. If only the greater Wellington region hadn't run out of pavlova, we might have seen history that night.'

Finally, a very big shout out to Sarah 'Frickin YEAH' Roy for all her camera work. Stay tuned for some more of Roy's work when she launches her own site - I can't wait.

Happy birthday Roy!

*I won't tell you when but here's a hint: on stage 2 I came 62nd.

Tour of NZ report is coming!!

Sorry for the delay guys - I am in the process of writing up a report on Tour of NZ and will put it up in the next few days. I'm speaking to a group at Wesley College tomorrow for International Women's Day and I'm busy preparing for it. It is coming - I promise!

In the meantime, in the spirit of NZ and all things Middle Earth, here's a photo of Frodo looking like Marianne Vos.

Ride Happy
Lisa

Heading to the Tour of Middle Earth

Chief commissaires Frodo and Gandalf eagerly await our arrival in NZ

Well, it's official. Wendy, my uber-physio at the VIS, has given me clearance to ride for 3 stages of the Tour of NZ next week. Maybe even 4. It's going to be tough with such limited preparation but it's better than sitting on the sidelines being injured. I'm riding with the VIS team led by supercoach Donna Rae-Szalinski. I'm not sure how top secret the line up is but I can tell you that Jo Hogan and Kendelle Hodges are both in good form and raring to go. We fly out on Tuesday.

For updates during the race, follow me @LJridehappy on Twitter. Or wait a week and I'll write something here.

Gollum at race weight

New Ride Happy tees are here!

St Mel has been busy creating some new Ride Happy tees. I reckon they look pretty awesome. There are 2 new designs. Click here to check out the St Mel store. 

NEW! Lisa's Mum writes back

This week, Lisa's Mum responds to another reader letter. Keep em coming! You can send them to her secretary at jacobs.lisa@gmail.com. And yes, this is a genuine letter.

Dear Lisa’s MumDo I need a whole new wardrobe now that I’ve purchased a fixie? Is there anything of my old life that I can hold onto?

Regards,

Budding Funkster

Dear Budding Funkster

Without knowing what your previous wardrobe looks like, I would say probably yes, unless you already own a skateboard helmet and spray-on jeans. I notice that you said ‘purchased’ a fixie, and not ‘built it up at my local bicycle collective using parts scavenged from dumpsters and vintage op shops’. From this I am guessing you will not require a woollen cardigan, playing cards in the spokes or impressive facial hair. Instead, you will need to expand your fedora collection and purchase an iPad, which you can use to upload songs from your latest favourite garage folk-rock band and send them to your sponsored Oxfam goat. If you wear glasses, make sure the frames are thick and square. If you don’t wear glasses, get some aviators. As for things from your old life… hold onto your health insurance.

Love and kisses,

Lisa’s Mum

Another budding funkster

Ged's quote of the week

This quotable quote comes from Ged, a fellow legal eagle who overheard the following on Beach Road a few days ago. I loved it. Hope you do too:

30-something cyclist:                 “Do you notice those rims in cross wind?” [Referring to a bling set of Zipp 404s]

Other 30-something cyclist:        “Not really. I mostly notice them when riding past store windows. In fact, I find that’s when they really come into their own.”

If there are guys with that kind of humour riding Beach Road, clearly I need to get down there more often.

Ride happy

Lisa's Mum replies!

The $15,000 starter kit (paparazzi sold separately)

Well, Jerry's letter certainly did stir things up. Thanks to all who gave feedback, both good and bad. Lisa's Mum decided to take the bull by the horns and respond. Check it out.

Dear Confused,
I am glad you have solicited my counsel. Your letter has come at a fortuitous time, for February is pro bono month at my cycle-specific psychiatric practice, which means you will receive the benefit of my valuable services free of charge. If you had sent me your letter in January you would have been subject to considerable charges including disbursements for tea and mood-enhancing floral arrangements for my office.

The question of ‘what is a cyclist?’ is an existential conundrum that has plagued many a rider (including Thai performance monkeys). For what are we but spokes in the wheel of life, riding down the long road of human existence, sprinting for each traffic light milestone and hoping we don’t get punctures? Every bike rider searches for meaning from the moment they unscrew the lid of a new tub of chamois cream. Such is the intensity of a cyclist’s quest for meaning that the Italians actually pronounce ‘cyclist’ as ‘seek-list’. Those Euros are wise. But I digress.

Your café companions with their $15,000 starter kits should not be pigeon-holed as simply ‘cyclists’. Rather, they are part of the new breed of cyclo-philanthropists, whose mission is to support the livelihoods of bike shop owners everywhere. Operating under the guise of middle-aged corporate men who hate golf, cyclo-philanthropists relentlessly and determinedly seek out bike shop owners and persuade them to accept large quantities of money in exchange for bicycle-related goods. It does not matter what kind of goods they are, but to avoid suspicion the cyclo-philanthropists typically purchase high-end Euro race bikes (I have heard the case of one rookie C-P who with the best of intentions attempted to purchase $15,000 worth of puncture repair kits but he was turned away and forced to return to buy a super-record Colnago).

Cyclo-philanthropists operate by stealth and are driven by nothing more than the satisfaction of helping out a fellow human being. You think Bill Gates is generous – remember that he only has to go to Africa ONCE to part with $30million. Your local cyclo-philanthropist has to purchase at least 40 handmade race bikes and 20 pairs of Assos knicks to get even close to that amount.

Another cyclo-philanthropist at work

You are right to think that those HTC gentlemen were something other than cyclists. I suspect that they are part of that secret C-P brethren and were celebrating the purchase of a new car by their local bike shop owner. Incidentally, you can spot these cyclo-philanthropists by their secret handshake and the presence of a bento box on their top tube. I have heard that most also abide by the code of wearing exclusively sausage casing kit as you describe, although of course this is only hearsay.

I hope this sheds some light on the issue Jerry. As you say, Mrs HTC is definitely a cyclist. But those bastions of local industry in the HTC kits – so much more.

Much love,
Lisa’s Mum
PS - I can tell you're feeling a bit down. Here is a picture of Chris Hoy's legs to cheer you up. 

Letter to Lisa's Mum - What is a cyclist and the $15,000 starter kit

Lisa's Mum received the following letter from Jerry Castle. She'll compose a reply, but wanted to throw it open to her learned readership first. If you have any suggestions, please send them through to her.

Hello Lisa’s Mum,
I’m told by reputable sources that you are the expert on all cycling related matters. I’m hoping you can help me with a question that has been troubling me.

This may seem philosophical, perhaps a touch post-modern, but I’m struggling with the question, “what is a cyclist?”

I was happy with the answer, “someone or something (happy to include Thai performance monkeys) that rides a bike”, but a few recent events have made me question this logical position – the following one included.

Sitting in my favourite breakfast spot a few weeks ago, my bleary morning-eyes were assaulted by a gleaming 2010 HTC-Columbia kit stretched like a sausage casing over a 140kg beast. The owner of the kit was broadcasting his proud achievement of conquering sixty Beach Rd bitumen kilometres that very morning. At his table was a similarly HTC-Columbia clad heavy-weight, clearly the riding buddy (team mate?) of the above mentioned beast, and his wife, who was kitted up in Fluid gear (Anaconda’s cheap and cheerful private label).

I couldn’t help but eavesdrop on the conversation of the two HTC-Columbia team mates (their female companion sat quietly and read the paper). Come to think of it, I doubt it even qualified as eavesdropping; the conversation was for the public record – the café was their stage. Topics covered included performance on the days climbs (climbs on Beach Rd?), weight savings from switching to carbon wheels (perhaps more efficient to lose a few of those 140kg!) – you get the point.

I’ve seen this scene a thousand times before. I’m sure you have too, Lisa’s Mum. Fat dudes with expensive bikes proudly drinking coffee after a 20km roll on the flat. It’s never bothered me before, but it’s starting to itch a little.

Are these people cyclists? Or have they simply purchased the “$15,000 starter kit”?

I contend that they have bought the starter kit because they want to identify themselves as cyclists. They want to have a legitimate answer to the question, “so what do you do?” Having bought the starter kit I think they feel comfortable answering, “I’m a cyclist”.

While starter kits are familiar in plenty of other sub-cultures – skateboarding, emo kids, and members of the Fitzroyalty – the phenomenon is not universal. You don’t see 45 kg runts in muscle-singlets gathering en masse in the cafes, bragging about bench-pressing a 12 kg PB or discussing the optimal amino acid blend for mass gain. What is it about some sub-cultures that make them conducive to starter kits?

Perhaps I’m getting worked up over nothing. The saying “all the gear but no idea” has been used by those who think they are better than others in a particular sub-culture for a long time. But who is keeping score? We live in a world where it is possible to gain fame and become independently wealthy by being a socialite – you don’t need skill you just need to look the part.

Anyway… I’m rambling now. I’m not sure whether the HTC-Columbia team mates qualified as cyclists or not in my book. I’d like to say no, but I’d also like to think of myself as less elitist than that. I will say that I did enjoy watching their departure. While one of the heavy weights was mounting his carbon steed his wife bolted off into the distance on her practical flat-bar commuter bike. Mr HTC was left wrong-geared at the side of the road squealing, “wait up honey!”, as he struggled with the dual task of clipping in and changing down a few gears. Beaten by the task, Mr HTC eventually over-balanced, tumbling into the gutter. OK so this very last part is fiction – the rest is true.

I am happy to say that Mrs HTC qualified as a cyclist in my mind.

So Lisa’s Mum, what is a cyclist? I’m confused!

I hope you can offer some advice on this matter.

Rgds,
Jerry

Separation Anxiety

I get very attached to my bikes. We all do. Whether they are a prize-winning race pony, a ‘project’ bike that you tinker on, or your weekday commuting companion, every bike has a special meaning for its owner.

I rode 2 awesome race machines courtesy of Fitzroy Revolution and when I moved to VIS I had to hand my babies back. Every time I go into the shop I have to go to say hello to them. They wag their little tails when I come up to pat their handlebars and when I leave they give me a look that breaks my heart. ‘We’ve shared so many good times,’ they say, ‘Is that worth NOTHING to you now? What are you riding now? Does it climb as fast as we did? I bet it doesn’t love you like we do.’

I wish I could keep those bikes forever. They have so many special memories for me.

Even my trusty Clydesdale commuter has a very special place in my heart. When I was a student it was the bike I’d ride on nights out, with a cheap bottle of red jammed into the bidon cage. We went to London together and used to fly across the city to work each day, tucked behind Ed the rower and his road bike. Back in Melbourne, it comes to work with me and loves sitting at cafes (although it always forgets its wallet when it’s time to pay the bill). Over the years, so many parts have worn down and been replaced that only the seat post and handlebars remain from the original… but it’s still the same bike to me.

A while ago, I put my hardtail mountain bike up for sale. It’s a great bike but I’ve decided I want to move on and get something with enough suspension that it will make even me ride smoothly. Or so I thought. I got a call today from someone wanting to buy it. He asked me a million questions and then told me that he was going to use it to commute to work. I told him that riding an XTR groupset with race wheels and tubeless knobblies might be overkill for a commuter bike. In response, he assured me he rode, for some of his route, on gravel paths. My heart sank. I couldn’t let that happen to my beautiful bike! But who am I to judge?

I don’t know whether I can let my bike go to a life of commuting. But maybe, if it’s like my commuter bike, it will get a special place in this guy’s heart too. I just hope he knows how to use tyre sealant…

Jersey selection for the recreational cyclist

Lisa's Mum was very excited to receive a letter from a Ride Happy reader during the week. Actually, the letter was an email, and it wasn't actually addressed to Lisa's Mum, but it did concern cycling etiquette and so it fell well within her portfolio.

A Ride Happy reader, James, read my review in Bicycling Australia magazine of Vaude's new jersey where I wrote that 'No, it's not a trade team jersey, but really, trying to look like Thor Hushovd went out with the noughties.' James had the following comments: For 100% of cyclists I pass on my rides there is always the sideward glance, checking out the bike make/model and the kit the other is wearing, and they're all so judgemental! Why is this? And how should one go about choosing a jersey kit to wear? Is it a faux pas for recreational riders to wear "trade team" jerseys?

It's a brave cyclist who would wear this by choice

Lisa’s Mum is more than happy to share her wisdom on the subject of appropriate jersey selection. When Lisa’s Mum started cycling, she noticed that many cyclists seemed to look at her when she was riding, but she always assumed that this was because of her outstanding beauty and gloriously sculpted calves. On further reflection she noticed the practice extended to other cyclists who were not so beautiful. The following summer Lisa’s Mum commenced her PhD thesis entitled The pack mentality: Why cyclists love looking at themselves and each other. Mum's thesis concluded that cyclists share a significant percentage of their DNA with most domestic dog species. This is most noticeably observed at the greeting stage of social encounters, where, like dogs sniffing each others’ bottoms, cyclists will carefully observe a new specimen’s bicycle and kit before deciding whether they will become friends. Anthropologically speaking, Lisa’s Mum’s findings were a revelation. Some say the scientific community is not yet ready for such a radical challenge to the status quo. Others say she is an evolutionary genius on par with Charles Darwin. Mum prefers the latter school of thought and will not attend afternoon teas hosted by any of her detractors in the former camp.

How to choose your jersey
Given that your kit will play a crucial role in first impressions to other riders, it is important to project the right image. The first rule of jersey selection is to dress for the occasion, and choosing an appropriate jersey/bike combination is critical. For example, if you are riding a flat bar bike, a plain jersey/knicks combination is a practical yet stylish look. Plain kit is also appropriate for pro cyclists wishing to ride ‘under the radar’ out of season. Black is the preferred colour for those who ride under the radar because they are doped to the eyeballs.

Alternatively, if you are Cipo get yourself some wraparounds and a big stick for beating off the ladies

Jerseys that you have earned may be worn anytime. This includes Around The Bay in a Day, Amy Gillet Ride and Degani Kinglake Challenge jerseys. Wear them with pride and use them to start snappy conversations with other cute single riders. This also applies to world and national champion jerseys, although you are unlikely to need to use them to find hot cuties as you probably have one already.

Hot cuties: get in line

If you are riding quite quickly, you may upgrade to a club or shop kit, preferably in return for that shop giving you some love. Naturally, if you ride like a tool you should wear a RadioShack jersey. However, please note that there is nothing quite so stylish as a fast cyclist in a plain jersey.

Singlespeed riders should at all times observe Bylaw 3.5.2(a)(ii) of the Inner Melbourne Singlespeed Regulations, which states that every bottom atop a Brooks saddle must be clad in tweed print shorts.

Just your everyday commute in North Fitzroy

Fluoro jerseys and jackets are to be used for commuting only. Under no circumstances should fluoro be taken out on a bunch ride unless it is for practical joke purposes or you believe it will keep you alive. (Before you get upset, safety conscious readers, please let me emphasise that Lisa’s Mum firmly believes that a good fluoro commuting jacket is worth its weight in gold. Just not when you’re not commuting.)

A good rule of thumb is to ensure that the ratio of $ spent on kit vs $ spent on your bike remains approximately 1:10.

Trade team jerseys
Lisa’s Mum loves trade team jerseys but only on trade team riders. She once tried to wear a CSC trade team jersey but it was for a fancy dress party back in 2007 when Basso had just been busted and in the end it fell through because she couldn't organise a matching blood transfusion bag.*

As another rule of thumb, the better the trade team is, the more reasons there are that you should not be wearing their kit. If you must wear it (i.e. if you have been given it for a present by a well-meaning yet unschooled relative), please at least make sure the jerseys and knicks are from the same team. It goes without saying, however, that if you are extremely good at riding and can beat anyone over any distance, on any terrain, then you can wear what you like. Best combined with hairy legs, this really stirs up aspiring Euro pros. Other situations where wearing a trade team kit is acceptable are:

• you are on the trade team
• you own the trade team
• your friend is on the trade team and gave you the jersey
• you're an alcoholic Belgian cyclo-cross fan with a string of failed marriages and a penchant for pommes frites (in which case, bad lycra fashion is the least of your problems).

Eduard on his way to the pommes frites van

Under no circumstances should the following trade team jerseys be worn: Mapei, Jelly Belly, Aqua Sappone's zebra edition, Carrera's stretch denim kit circa 1990, Cipo's skeleton suit...and come to think of it, most of Cipo's other suits, too. Each was an aberration and everyone just wants to forget them.

Enough said

James, I hope this answers your question. If other readers have additional pearls of wisdom to share, Lisa's Mum would happily add them to her PhD thesis (appropriately referenced, of course).

Ride Happy

*This may have actually been me, not Lisa’s Mum.